I was having an interesting discussion at the park the other day with a wonderful mom. We were talking about how many "alternative" parenting choices have timelines, and are always asked about when the end will be. It was a crazy thought, to think about what you will be doing in 2 years, or 5 years, or 18 years. Sure, it is nice to have goals... but why are these end dates so important - especially to others whom you may not even know if 2, 5, or 18 years? When I first became a parent I was not aware that I should have planned an itinerary for the trip, known as parenthood.
I have been breastfeeding for almost 5.5 years straight. One of the most frequent questions I have received, no matter which child I was nursing at the time, is "when are you going to stop?" or "how long are you planning on breastfeeding for?". I have never had an answer for this, because I never put a timeline on it. My baby would tell me when they were done.
When I was pregnant with my first, Lucas, my goal was to just try to breastfeed. I had never done it before. I did not know what to expect, and I did not want to set outrageous goals that I might not meet. During pregnancy, I was trying to trust my body just to get through the pregnancy. Then I had to get through the birth. I was not sure if my breasts would function as nature had designed them too, and I did not know if my baby would be able to latch properly. At that stage in my life I set the goal of just wanting to try. I accepted formula samples from different companies - I wanted to be prepared for the worst, but hope for the best. At the hospital I felt very forced when trying to latch. Lucas did not want to latch and I was stressed. He finally latched, and I had reached my first goal - I tried. After that I set my goal at 2 weeks. At 9 days old, I paged my midwife with a panic call at 2am - I could not get my baby to latch. I was engorged, he was starving and I was getting stressed. My wonderful midwife, Anne, talked me down from the metaphorical cliff edge and I was able to get my baby to latch. Even over the phone, she was able to explain to me what I needed to do and all of a sudden it clicked. After that I set my breastfeeding goal to 2 months, then 6 months, then finally I set my goal to a year.
When we hit the year mark, I was super excited. I had reached my goal. At this point, the questions of "when are you going to stop" came in an even larger quantity than before. For some reason, when you nurse a baby who is over a year, everyone wants to know when you are going to stop. I did not know, I simply answered "whenever he is ready". I continued to breastfeed through my second pregnancy, and tandem fed my two boys for almost a whole year before Lucas weaned. Lucas and Jack are so close, and I contribute a lot of their relationship to the fact they could bond while nursing. If I had forced Lucas to wean, would they be as close? But again, with an older toddler and an almost 1 year old still nursing, the question of when I was going to stop now came with weird looks.
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| They share a true bond. |
Lucas weaned just before he turned 3. He was ready, I was ready, and the timing was right. I could have never predicted it, especially not when I was pregnant with him 3 years prior. During that midwife call at 9 days old, I never would have dreamed we would make it to 3 years.
Jack continued to nurse, even without his brother. He nursed through my pregnancy with Ian and was able to share that special bond with Ian as well. Jack nursed until be was almost 3, just like Lucas, and just like Lucas he weaned on his own. He was ready, and the time was right.
Ian is now a 30lb, 10 month old breastfeeding fan. He loves his milkies, and his chubby cheeks are proof of this. Because of his size people often assume he is older than he is. But honestly, it does not bother me. After all this time, I have heard it all, and I am not putting a timeline on when he will stop. I can assure you he will wean before he moves out and goes to university, but other than that I cannot tell you when he will wean, because it is not up to me. It is up to us, and he will let me know when he is ready.
It is interesting, when people know how long Lucas and Jack nursed, that they will ask me if Ian will be nursing when he is almost 3. I am unsure of what he will be eating at that age. That is two years from now, do you know what you will be eating in two years? No matter how you feed your baby, you never know what they will be eating in a year from now, let alone 2 or 3 years from now. All I know is that he will be eating, and he will be eating something that both him and I agree on.
The same weird question of time is applied to schooling. People assume that when your child is 6, or 10, or 17 that they will be in school. When they find out that you plan on homeschooling, all of a sudden the question of a timeline comes back. Will you still be homeschooling when they are 6, or 10, or 17? Perhaps I will be, but honestly I do not know.
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| unschooling at our home |
At this point in time, unschooling works for us. In 5 years, we may take a more structured approach to schooling or we may continue with what we are doing. When the boys reach high school age they may decide that they want to go to school and that is fine too. We will discuss it as a family, and decide what is best for everyone involved at that point in time.
We live our lives so our children can thrive, not just survive. But in order to thrive, we cannot put timelines on their development. We listen to our bodies and their bodies, to our emotions and their emotions. We listen to our needs and respond to their needs. If we lived life with a strict timelines, I would probably pull my hair out from stress because it would not feel right. It would be against my instinct as a mom.
I would rather make sacrifices so that we can live this life without timelines. Sure, I have missed many nights sleep because I did not night wean at whatever the "suggested" age was, and I won't get to grocery shop by myself in the middle of the week while my children are at school, but that is OK because I like their company.
Sometimes we just have to slow down and live in today. It's nice to have goals for the future - we have a few. But none of them are dictating what our children will be doing, unless it is enjoying life.
We are enjoying the ride without an itinerary.
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